mdewater,  Hey there, if you really want to sell this concept, I have a few questions, does the girl ever see the set up? is that was causes her to leave? If this is the case, then you are really going to have to sell that reaction as we enters the room and sees the set up that you will reveal to us in your shot later. Right now she kinda looks screen right then kind of looks into the room, then goes into her dialogue, I think to really make this shot work, you need to sell that shocked reaction of the girl, which then leads to her " I need to get the heck outta here" subtext.

D!

Hey there, I think now you sort of have new issues that are not exactly working in making your shot clear. I liked the staging the way you had it before where the cam was closer to the characters and you could see the females reaction better, plus it would of been more of a surprise/reveal if you cut away and then showed us what she was reacting to and freaked out about. Right now the camera is so far away from the characters in the first shot that we don't get to appreciate her reaction as she enters the room. I am also realizing that on the cut she is outside of the room, something about that cut does not feel right, I know you are still working on it. Maybe you could have the camera close like you had it, as she enters the room then zip the cam to reveal the valentines and cake (  like the framing you have now) then go to you cut. This is just one idea, I would def get more eyes on it and see what ideas they might have to get you going. hope this helps, I just spent the whole day doing my taxes today lol so my mind is a mess, and I might not make any sense.

D!