#1 07-30-2007 6:00 am

alonso
Upright Citizen
From: Sebastopol, Ca
Registered: 07-02-2007
Posts: 323
Karmojo: 45

monologue piece finished

Okay, finally finished last month's contest. Got side tracked by a trip to Kalamazoo (now I can say I've been there) getting ready for the baby (due any day now) and just working full time (could only put in 1/2 hour at a time on nights I could work on this.)

I'd love to hear what you think, what's working, what's not, what could be improved. Even if you want to totally slam me, all comments extremely welcome.

thanks

http://www.alonso-soriano.com/life.html

-Alonso

Last edited by alonso (07-30-2007 6:03 am)

Offline

 

#2 07-30-2007 7:05 pm

dbag333
Tipster
From: New York City
Registered: 07-01-2007
Posts: 257
Karmojo: 27

Re: monologue piece finished

And I thought I had it rough, animating before and after work.  Let alone, a family on top of it, so hats off to you sir.

with that said, the most conrete issue I have is, in the beginning, there is a lot of eye brow float.  And through out as well, maybe tighten that up a bit.

I like that its mostly restrained, and not a huge stock gesture for every syllable.

With that said, the big movement on the gasp, I would like some clearification for.  I'm not sure if I can communicate this adequately, so here goes.  It seems to be caught half way between two emotions.  The first, which could be fun, would be a gasp or realization.  Like she just figured out she has no wish to live there.  The other would be a gasp of despair.

The wide eyes is whats make it seem like a realization for me.  I don't want to suggest actions for communicating despair, I'd say get a video of yourself acting it out perhaps, if you can.

Maybe a little more weight and settle when she leans back against the wall.

Hope this helps some.

Offline

 

#3 07-30-2007 8:09 pm

DharAM
Rockstar
From: San Francisco, California
Registered: 06-28-2007
Posts: 409
Karmojo: 75

Re: monologue piece finished

Alonso - (why does your name sound so familiar?)

This looks superb. I'm impressed with the original concept, something a superhero in despair would want to say. All poses are very real to me except for the ending pose where it looks more like a smile than biting her lips?

I think this would have been a very strong contender.


"Technology doesn't make the motion picture, people do. You're not an animator just because you can move an object from point A to point B. (You're) someone who breathes life into a character, which is something the software and technology can't give you."

- John Lasseter

Offline

 

#4 07-31-2007 2:43 am

MattJ
Upstanding Citizen
From: Melbourne, FL
Registered: 06-18-2007
Posts: 351
Karmojo: 39

Re: monologue piece finished

Not bad!  I think the emotions could read a little more clear.  I get them but I don't "feel" them.

The one passer-by-car kinda sticks out.  Maybe make a few of them or just leave it out.

Keep it up!

Matt -


Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere - Ratatouille
Animation Drop
Animation Exercises

Offline

 

#5 07-31-2007 4:40 am

alonso
Upright Citizen
From: Sebastopol, Ca
Registered: 07-02-2007
Posts: 323
Karmojo: 45

Re: monologue piece finished

Thanks for the comments folks, they're useful! 

(Dhar I think you know me from Animation:Master, I used to post there as amarillospider and started the Animation Boot Camp before I started Animation Mentor)


-Alonso

Offline

 

#6 07-31-2007 6:04 am

rab
Upstanding Citizen
From: Houston, TX
Registered: 06-11-2007
Posts: 10
Karmojo: 31

Re: monologue piece finished

Hey Alonso, this is looking great man.

Look at the mouth on "life" because it's reading like an "eee". If you try to shape it more like the "live" you have after it I think it would work better. The "to" has that sort of "ee" look too, because you're pulling the corners back, but on "to" I think more of an O shape would be better.

My wife's due any day (minute) too. Congratulations man.


I keep my feet on the ground so I can get one in the door.

Offline

 

#7 07-31-2007 3:22 pm

DharAM
Rockstar
From: San Francisco, California
Registered: 06-28-2007
Posts: 409
Karmojo: 75

Re: monologue piece finished

Alonso - I thought it might be you. You mentored me at the beginning of Bootcamp but then left for Mentor when i was about a 1/3 of the way thru. Are you done with Mentor? How far are you? Robert Holmen took over for a little bit, but now ABC is practically dead.

Please come back. ABC is a great program but in need of good mentors like you to keep it going smile


"Technology doesn't make the motion picture, people do. You're not an animator just because you can move an object from point A to point B. (You're) someone who breathes life into a character, which is something the software and technology can't give you."

- John Lasseter

Offline

 

Board footer

Powered by PunBB
© Copyright 2002–2005 Rickard Andersson